There is a recent phenomena surrounding our favorite video sharing site. It’s ugly and terrible and, frankly, nauseating. For some unknown reason, holding a camera and documenting the mundane routines you embark on daily makes you qualified to fight. Sorry, I meant fight on Pay Per View. I’m all for the average person learning how to fight – it does wonders for a person, both physically and mentally. However, couching a fight between two unskilled public personas as anything other than a steaming dumpster fire is a disservice to humanity as a whole. If I never hear about another one of these dubious smokers it will be too soon. In the event that this trend continues, here are the five things I’ll be doing instead of watching this so-called fighting.
1) Eating Broken Glass
I know it sounds extreme. I know it’s a bit macabre, but bear with me. Ingesting broken shards of glass will teach me about mental toughness and pain threshold in a way watching barely amateur fighters flail about could never do. My inevitable visit to the ER will help stimulate the economy, keeping doctors and nurses busy for a period of time. Who knows, maybe my ongoing medical issues will keep a proctologist busy for months. All more palatable outcomes than actually watching two dudes who couldn’t knock out a baby bunny march at one another.
2) Posting My Social Security Number And Banking Information On My Facebook Page
Ohhh…think of the fun that would be, chasing down breach after breach of my personal information, all the while hoping no one gets a hold of whatever resources I have. It’s like a real life episode of Law And Order. An episode that’s guaranteed to have more drama and excitement than watching people barely coordinated strap on gloves and shellac each other with ineffectual strikes.
3) Getting Into An Actual Fight With A Bear
Not in a bar, not that kind of bear. We’re talking about a forest-dwelling, large, furry be-fanged creature. I would happily cover myself in peanut butter and walk through the Alaskan wilds making antelope noises than ever hear mention of Youtube fights. The net positive for me is that a bear – an animal with no formal training – would prove to have more grit, determination and skill than anyone stepping into a ring worried about their subscriber count.
4) Listening To A 12 Piece Kudzu Band Inside An Oil Drum Being Beaten On By Angry Blacksmiths
I figure, between the wheezing, screeching, and the inevitable internal bleeding, this whole experience would be over in a matter of minutes. Regrettably, these so called fights seem to go a lot longer than that. That is time I just don’t have to do something as absurd as watching poor pugilists duck obvious right hands.
5) Get Shot Out Of A Cannon Into A Wall
It would be explosive and exciting. either of which characteristics show up in these Youtube scraps.
If I’m honest I likely wont do any of those things. If however this continues I may seriously consider it.